Welcome to Rock Bottom

Originally published on June 4, 2011.

Welcome to Rock Bottom

Normal people don't pray for a crisis.  Or wish for one on a shooting star.  Or ask for one from that genie in a bottle.  Most days, people do everything in their human power to avoid it.

But things haven't been normal lately ... not for a long time.  I needed change.  Something big.  So I began to pray.  It was all I had left.  (It should have been what I started with.)  I prayed for change - in belief, in habit, in taste, in heart.  I literally prayed for ROCK BOTTOM.

Because when you hit rock bottom, and survive it, the only place to go is UP.

Finally met those rocks face-to-face last weekend.  They appeared in places and circumstances and timing that I never would have imagined and especially would not have chosen.  But none-the-less, rocks are what we received.

And I wasn't standing on the rocks.  Hadn't even fallen on them.  I was being crushed.  Like someone had piled those rocks right on top of my chest.  I was terrified.  Sick.  Screaming with heartache.

Thankfully God has placed people in our path to help us over the rocks ... right from the first moment.  Compassion.  Kindness.  Empathy.  Resources.  And multitudes of prayers.  The love and support has been overwhelming.  It's not surprising.  But it is so very comforting.

Miracles continue to take place.  Hearts are warming.  Bad habits are crumbling ... in record time, mind you.  And a family is beginning to be restored.

The road is long.  It will be expensive and embarrassing and inconvenient.  But this is so much better than the alternatives. 

This is our rock bottom.  And for now, I am strangely at peace here and slowly making my way to the top.

The Speech

On Wednesday night, as some of you already know, I was one of the speakers at the "What You Don't Know CAN Hurt You" event held at our local school. I didn't tell too many people that I was on the schedule until a couple of days prior, and even then, I didn't get terribly loud about it. I was way too terrified!

Speaking was a gargantuan step out of the safety of my comfort zone.  Public speaking is pretty darn close to the top of my list of fears … ranks right up there with vomiting, which I will do anything to avoid – I would rather break my right arm in multiple places!  Truth.

The event’s organizers anticipated about 50 people in attendance.  The school superintendent estimated 250-300 in that auditorium that night!  Of course, I was nervous when I entered the auditorium so I decided to sit in the front row and not turn around to see who was behind me.  I felt the prayers of those that were praying on my behalf (thank you!) and remained relatively calm until I had to speak.

I had edited what I had prepared at least a dozen times over the past couple of weeks and had good intentions of rehearsing some time in the hours prior.  However, the “to-do” list that day kept getting longer and longer with things I had to get done and the rehearsing never happened.  The words I spoke that night were completely raw … the very first time spoken out loud.  It was extremely emotional for me.  Thankfully, I was able to get through it, but when I sat down afterward, the adrenaline overtook me and my entire body shook for a full 15 minutes.  A friend reminded me later what this was and I suddenly remembered “the baby shakes”, as the maternity nurse called them, that I experienced after our son was born.

There were a thousand reasons that I could think of for me not to speak, but at the top of my speech, for my eyes only, I put this quote by Ivanla Vanzant that sums up the reasons why I did:  “It’s important that we share our experiences with other people.  Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else.  When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.”  These were my ultimate goals.

There is a raw video of my speech floating around Facebook, but I plan to post the professional when it is available, hopefully next week, for those that are interested in viewing.  Thank you all for your prayers and your support … through the years past, for this specific event, and for the stories that I hope to continue to share.